Now you see it ... Now you don't

Have you ever experienced the feeling when you didn't know you had something, then realised you did, only to find out you actually didn't all along!! You know what I mean, a strange feeling of loss for something that never really was. It's wierd I can tell you ...

Anyhow, here's the story ... Some people I know can time their periods down to the day ... I'm not that lucky and have always had erratic monthly cycles and so have never been overly concerned when I seem to be late ... or even skip a month once in a while ... it normally rectifies itself ... and any woman will tell you that she knows there are times to worry and then there are times when it would have needed a minor miracle. And having a 19 month old child sleeping in the same room as you at night, means that for me to worry it would need to be a serious miracle!!

After Zoo was born, my periods didn't actually return for a good eight months ... something to do with breastfeeding ... I certainly didn't miss them, but my doctor was in shock when I told her and insisted that I might be pregnant again ... anyhow she was wrong and I had the test to prove it.

So when I missed one period, I thought nothing of it ... it'll turn up soon ... life just went on and it was only in early July that I remembered that it was awol. Cream tells me I'm a nutter and it hasn't been a month, but after lenghty discussions neither of us can actually remember the date of the last one but we think it was the middle of April. So after another week or so, we decide to just do the test and then if it's negative I can go and get a check up with the docs again.

And lo and behold ... it comes up positive!! Imagine the shock ... the thought of coping with two young kids ... the fact that I never did get round to organising the extension to the one bedroom maisonette we live in ... Cream kept walking around wide-eyed and mumbling something like "But we'd be a proper family ..." I still don't know what he meant, so don't ask me ... he was in shock poor guy! Cream was concerned that being the cheapskate that I was I'd bought the cheapest ones in the store, so I took another one the day after ... but still the same result.

So we tell the doctor, get referred to the hospital, turn up for a dating scan, which should reveal anything from 8 weeks to 12 weeks and ... KAPOW. It turns out I'm sort of pregnant. Let me explain ... I have an amniotic sac to prove it, but that's it ... so having managed to cope with the shock of finding out I was pregnant, we now had to contend with the fact that we were being told that I was no longer pregnant. All very confusing as I haven't had any signs of miscarrying and to date, the sac is still growing!! "Ummm ... wouldn't I know if I had miscarried ... wouldn't there be ... well ummm ... blood??" I ask the consultant ... "Sometimes, it takes the body a little while to figure it out." Three bloody ... or should I say unbloody ... months!!!

I now have a third hospital appointment in two weeks time to see "How I'm progressing" and am told that it (ie a miscarriage) may happen at any time ... Great, thanks. Looking forward to that!!

So now I just wait ... until my body figures out that it's not really giving birth to the invisible child!!

Hide & Seek

Zoo decided to play hide and seek with his Nanny today ... the only problem being that he forgot to tell her!

He was happily playing in the lounge so she decided to dash into the loo whilst he wasn't looking. He took the opportunity to run out the back door, down to the end of the garden and get into the shed where he played happily for 15 minutes, while Nanny sprinted round the whole house searching every room and under every bed, before she thought to look in the shed.

Dad took great delight in telling us about Mum's frantic search. Strangely enough Dad didn't find it as funny when he later went out to empty the bin and Zoo sprinted out of the front door to help. "He's too fast, man" Dad gasps in despair.

Ban All Segregation!!

Weddings... love the opportunity to meet the whole extended family ... our family are rather good at reproducing ... Mum and Dad between them have twelve siblings and each of these have inherited the trait too ... so it takes a wedding to be able to fit them all in one hall together!

Or in this case in two separate halls ... there is some new trend being observed by some of the extended family of strict segregation during weddings .. ridiculous really ... I mean ... everyone turns up with their spouses, brothers and fathers and then have to pretend to be disgusted at having to sit beside them during a wedding ceremony!! Jeez!! Poor old Cream got told off by the mother of the bride for trying to pass Zoo from one hall to another ... as he came within 100 feet of seeing a woman or two. Zoo got his own back by nicking her husband's walking stick!! I missed it but apparently he went sprinting off with it much to everyone's amusement!

Anyhow once the ceremony is over and the food has been served, the usual suspects (including myself) can be found out in the foyer or getting some fresh air ... the wedding planners haven't quite figured out how to segregate that!!

Goodness Gracious Me

"Mum look what I can do with one small aubergine" ... Zoo may be spending too much time with his grandmother!!

I think ... therefore I am?

You may have noticed that I've been away for a while ... just been busy ... nothing sinister ...

Been watching adverts for the Jeep Cherokee ... "nothing is inaccessible in a Jeep". Now doesn't this just prove how advertising can be misleading. The two in Glasgow obviously took this advert at it's word. Do you think they could report them for misleading and inaccurate advertising. Certainly Glasgow Airport terminal was inaccessible to the Jeep ... even if ablaze.

Even the Queen was annoyed that the BBC claimed that she stormed out of a portrait sitting because someone told her to take her crown off. It's amazing what clever editing can do. Never take what the media say at face value.

Never trust a company when they tell you that an item will be delivered within 10 - 20 days because forty days later you'll be wondering why you bothered going with a company called elbec toy kingdom. Having said that forty-one days later you'll be glad that you told them to shove it when you see B&Q advertising the same item £35 cheaper in their new sale!!

Always go with your gut feeling ... Then at least you can honestly say that if you made a mistake it was yours and yours only and no-one can claim to have led you down the garden path. Be a free-thinker, outside the box. Devils advocate even. Read Alastair Campbell's book, give Posh Spice a chance ... You never know you may learn something new ...

See .. I told you I've been busy ... thinking ...

Don't crash your car

The last couple of days have certainly taught me one thing ... if your asian looking, don't crash your car!!

If you do, a crowd of people will rush to pull you out of your possibly burning car, not to help you ... but to pin you to the ground because you are probably an Islamist terrorist (as they call them nowadays .. I understand that this is to distinguish them from normal well-meaning muslims.)

If you want to hear more discussion on this point check out the Radio 4 interview with our beloved Red Ken and Ed Husain.