Now you see it ... Now you don't

Have you ever experienced the feeling when you didn't know you had something, then realised you did, only to find out you actually didn't all along!! You know what I mean, a strange feeling of loss for something that never really was. It's wierd I can tell you ...

Anyhow, here's the story ... Some people I know can time their periods down to the day ... I'm not that lucky and have always had erratic monthly cycles and so have never been overly concerned when I seem to be late ... or even skip a month once in a while ... it normally rectifies itself ... and any woman will tell you that she knows there are times to worry and then there are times when it would have needed a minor miracle. And having a 19 month old child sleeping in the same room as you at night, means that for me to worry it would need to be a serious miracle!!

After Zoo was born, my periods didn't actually return for a good eight months ... something to do with breastfeeding ... I certainly didn't miss them, but my doctor was in shock when I told her and insisted that I might be pregnant again ... anyhow she was wrong and I had the test to prove it.

So when I missed one period, I thought nothing of it ... it'll turn up soon ... life just went on and it was only in early July that I remembered that it was awol. Cream tells me I'm a nutter and it hasn't been a month, but after lenghty discussions neither of us can actually remember the date of the last one but we think it was the middle of April. So after another week or so, we decide to just do the test and then if it's negative I can go and get a check up with the docs again.

And lo and behold ... it comes up positive!! Imagine the shock ... the thought of coping with two young kids ... the fact that I never did get round to organising the extension to the one bedroom maisonette we live in ... Cream kept walking around wide-eyed and mumbling something like "But we'd be a proper family ..." I still don't know what he meant, so don't ask me ... he was in shock poor guy! Cream was concerned that being the cheapskate that I was I'd bought the cheapest ones in the store, so I took another one the day after ... but still the same result.

So we tell the doctor, get referred to the hospital, turn up for a dating scan, which should reveal anything from 8 weeks to 12 weeks and ... KAPOW. It turns out I'm sort of pregnant. Let me explain ... I have an amniotic sac to prove it, but that's it ... so having managed to cope with the shock of finding out I was pregnant, we now had to contend with the fact that we were being told that I was no longer pregnant. All very confusing as I haven't had any signs of miscarrying and to date, the sac is still growing!! "Ummm ... wouldn't I know if I had miscarried ... wouldn't there be ... well ummm ... blood??" I ask the consultant ... "Sometimes, it takes the body a little while to figure it out." Three bloody ... or should I say unbloody ... months!!!

I now have a third hospital appointment in two weeks time to see "How I'm progressing" and am told that it (ie a miscarriage) may happen at any time ... Great, thanks. Looking forward to that!!

So now I just wait ... until my body figures out that it's not really giving birth to the invisible child!!