That's just not cricket!

I saw something today that sent a shiver down my back .. no, not more hooligans at the parents home ... no, not Gordon Brown's being crowned as the new Labour Leader ... it was an ear-piece!

Not the actual ear-piece you understand but where I saw it ... okay ... it was in an ear ... but it was the location of the ear with the ear-piece. Okay ... the ear was exactly where you would expect an ear to be .. on a head ... But it was the location of the person with the ear with the ear-piece in it.

At a cricket match ... not a surprise, many members of the media and TV commentators will have an ear-piece where the producer can yell profanities at them or tell them to wind up coz the commercials on it's way ... But this ear-piece wasn't in the ear of some media crony ... no .. it was on the field ... and no it wasn't the umpire.

Shivers danced down my spine because during a Twenty20 match I witnessed ear-pieces in the ears of the players!!! Visa tried to convince me that the player may have a hearing aid or perhaps he was just listening to his i-pod ... but it soon became clear that a number of them were wearing them!!

Everyone who knows cricket ... knows that this just isn't cricket ... When in 1999 Bob Woolmer chatted to South African captain Hansie Cronje via an earpiece during the World Cup matches, all hell broke out.

What's going on ... someone please tell me!!!

INVOICE to Mark Shields

Advice and assistance in solving the non-murder of Bob Woolmer
from 18 March 07 to 2 June 07
£266,000

Please note that this payment is due whether or not you actually took heed of the advice given.


PS. An extra bit of advice for free ... say sorry to the Pakistani team or at least thank them for being co-operative in your investigation otherwise as I mentioned before they are likely to sue your balls off!

PPS. Don't just blame the pathologist ... might I remind you that when asked to comment you said you were confident that Woolmer was murdered, citing evidence from the crime scene not yet disclosed to the public which supported the initial findings.

"There is very clear evidence of murder," you told reporters. Elephants and the press never forget.

Conversations with Mark Shields

"Ok .. you asked me to come out here .. what's the deal?"
"I've got a problem Xzsara ... this Woolmer thing has me seriously confused"
"Yeah well I can see that ... Have you read my posts on my blog"
"I have and I think you're right ... but look I've been told he was strangled"
"Dude, no struggle, no bruising, no-one going into the room, no motive ... Won't wash ..."
"How about match fixing??"
"What proof have you got of that ... the fact that the Pakistani team played shite ... that's nothing new ..."
"Ok, ok ... how about one of the players."
"Yeah, right in a fit of rage because they lost ... give us a break ... you've finger printed them all and nothing came up"
"What about the weedkiller??"
"What a trace amount that you've managed to find on everyone that was out on the field that day ... no, don't think so ... what else you got?"
"Al-Qaeda!!"
"Dude, are you crazy ... you been smoking with Dubbya again ... I told you that shit messes with your mind! What evidence have you got?"

Long pause ...

"Well .. come on Shieldsie ... what you got?"

Even longer pause ....

"Nothing ... think he had a heart attack"
"Man ... I told you this on March 25th!! What's taken you so long ... ok .. so you would of looked stupid ... but now you look even more stupid three months later!!"
"What do I do??"
"Just leak it to the press and by the time you actually announce it, no-one will be able to act surprised ... ok ... and next time don't get all excited and go running off with your conspiracy theories ... you been watching too much CSI mate!"
"Oh .. Xzsara .. one more question ..."
"Yeah what ..."
"You're a Pakistani .. can you speak to the team, let them know ... you know .. no hard feelings"
"No hard feelings?!? ... Dude, what planet are you on .. they're already talking to their solicitors, they are gonna sue your balls off!"

History repeating itself?

Lets hope not ... Duncan Fletcher today announced that he would be resigning his post as coach for the England Cricket Squad after a dismal performance ... (I say dismal but they got further than Pakistan anyhow!) I suspected as much when I heard than instead of giving his usual press interviews he had decided to play golf instead ... Do you think Visa and Vertigo have been at him??

I just hope that someone keeps an eye on Duncan now ... It's open season on coaches out there.

Am I the only sane one?

Several annoying things that I have read today and have to comment on:

One. Please stop whining ... Yeah, so you were blindfolded wherever you went and separated from your mates ... this wasn't holiday camp, this is a war .. of course they blindfolded you ... of course they separated you, interrogated you and used mind games ... see it all the time on law and order don't you ... what did you expect!! You're soldiers!! You would have done the same or worse if it was the other way round!

Consider yourselves lucky you weren't captured by the more civilised Americans ... you would have been shackled, kept in cages, subjected to sensory deprivation, deprived of sleep and god only knows what else ... the truth only coming out years later when someone gets hold of a soldier's mobile phone.

To be fair to the UK soldiers .. I don't think they were whining so much as the media was trying to persuade us that their portrayal of Iran is still accurate. I was amused to hear that Sky had actually suppressed footage that they had confirming that part of the soldiers mission was to obtain intelligence information on Iran, for fear that it may have repercussions on the men whilst in Iran ... so there was some truth to Iran's complaints then??


Two. Suicide cricketers - apparently PJ Mir is concerned that religious extremism played a part in the Pakistani cricket team loss ... "It was beyond the limit, this religious influence, and the players were even made to offer prayers during the flights" he is quoted as saying. Well some will say .. perhaps they should have prayed a bit harder, they might have won! After the reported murder of Bob Woolmer I bet several of them were praying hard on the flight back just in case they were next on the list!


Three. Whilst the UK grieves for the soldiers killed in Iraq and the teenagers killing each other in London and the life and death matter of whose parking space it is .. here are some news items which didn't make the UK front pages:

Somalia - more than 1,000 people were reportedly killed or injured in four days of fighting recently.

Pakistan - about 40 people have been killed and more than 70 injured in violent clashes between Sunni and Shia Muslims in northern Pakistan.

Sri Lanka - seven people have been killed and 26 injured after a roadside mine hit a civilian bus.

Palestine - Israeli forces have killed a Palestinian fighter and wounded two in what is believed to be the fiercest exchange of fire between Israeli forces and Palestinian fighters since a ceasefire agreed in November. Helicopters, reportedly, fired at least two missiles at Palestinians near the Jabalya refugee camp.

Just another normal day for the rest of the world.

I can see clearly now ...

Cream keeps telling the guys at work about my twisted theories. Bob Woolmer being the latest and prior to that Nisha Patel-Nasri (I insisted that the hubby may not have been completely innocent) ... and they seem to keep coming true so they now ask him what Mystic Meg has predicted this week.

Anyhow it seems I am not the only one thinking Bob Woolmer may not have been murdered. Reports are that now a second autopsy is to be held to "re-confirm" the initial finding. Nonetheless Shields apparently tells reporters that "There is very clear evidence of murder."

Right ... so clear that it took you and your officers how long to announce that it was murder and why the need now for a second autopsy? Perhaps I should offer my services to Mr Shields or send him my crystal ball!

Stop drinking the water ...

I was reminded today of a wonderful play I saw many moons ago starring Peter O'Toole, who I have had a soft spot for ever since seeing his performance as Don Quixote singing "The Impossible Dream" ... Anyway I digress .. the play was entitled "Jeffrey Bernard is unwell". Jeffrey Bernard being a columnist for the Spectator and the title referred to the magazine's habit of printing a one-line apology when he was too drunk or hung-over to write his regular column.

Now you may well ask why I was reminded of this play today ... I spied a report that Freddie Flintoff is unwell. The team was at pains to confirm that apparently the food in Guyana, on the South American continent, is slightly different from the Caribbean islands England have visited so far in the World Cup.

Yeah right ... nothing to do with the drinking the water then?

Dangerous Re-enactments

Dad wasn't swayed by my observations. "No ... it was definitely murder" he pips up "because of the vomit and he had a broken jaw" "Dad where did you hear that?" "I was there" he says with a dismissive wake of his arm. "What do you know?"

A heated discussion ensued resulting in several members of the family trying to re-enact the last moments of Bob. "The hitman could have been a martial arts expert, a black belt ... maybe he just twisted his neck like this and killed him ... like in the movies."

Cream who has been playing the part of Bob looks worried at this point ... Dad you have been watching way too many asian movies!

Elementary my dear Woolmer?

Am I the only one who has now come back full circle on the Bob Woolmer tragedy. Given everything I am now of the belief that this whole incident is just one of those freak accidents that can look like murder ... Could it be possible that he fell ill, vomited in the bathroom, fell and hit his neck on a toilet or the sink and ended up knocking himself unconscious and unable to breathe.

Does this sound unlikely?? Is it more believable that someone, perhaps someone he knew, killed him because of a row over losing a cricket match, or a match-fixing mafia consortium put a hit out on him, that this person or persons came into the secure hotel, walked past the reception, all under CCTV, got into the lift with or without a swipe card, got off on the 12th floor, came into his room, through the door or balcony without leaving any trace, subdued a rather large man, without any signs of struggle, and than strangled him to death leaving him in a pool of vomit and a gash on his face? This person or persons then took the time to fake two emails one at 3am to his wife and the other at 6am resigning as coach before leaving the hotel probably in the same manner in which they arrived.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Fan or Fanatic?

I know that there is a lot of talk at the moment about how volatile and passionate cricket fans can be, especially in Asia it is said. Proof of this has been provided with journalists reporting that the streets of Pakistan were ringing with the cries of "Death to Inzamam and Bob" after the shock defeat of Pakistan by the Irish. Since his untimely demise however, nothing but kind words have been spoken by everyone and he is even to be posthumously awarded the "Star of Excellence" by Pakistan.

Let me confirm that I am not defending this erratic behaviour in any way ... I know cricket is almost a religion in Pakistan ... if they win the team are proclaimed superhero's ... if they lose, they are treated like flea ridden dogs ... That's life and cricket in Pakistan.

What I would like to do though is remind the world that this fanatisicsm is not isolated to Pakistan. It was not that long ago that effigies of David Beckham were being hung around towns in England after he was blamed for the team being kicked out of the Football World Cup.

We are not so different after all.

A Goliath Apology

Sorry to have doubted you man ... You were right ... someone did murder Bob Woolmer. My next question to you of course is "where were you on the night in question?"

But seriously what an awful way to go. The reports of manual strangulation are strange ... they say there were no outwardly signs ... I've watched CSI and wonder whether Jerry Bruckheimer is lying about the whole bruises on the neck, measuring hand sizes, epitherals etc. Are they sure about the strangulation thing ... no signs of struggle, big man, goes down without a fight??

And how exactly does taking the Pakistani cricket teams fingerprints eliminate them ... does this mean they have found suspicious fingerprints somewhere in the room?

The only other thing that doesn't add up is the vomit??? Did he vomit after being strangled. I ain't never heard of that before! Which means he must have vomited before the attack ... Which leads to more questions ...

I hope this is resolved quickly but poor Woolmer and his family will never get rid of the ghost of his manner of departure. I'd like to remember him in happier times ...

Why us?

What is it about Pakistan at the moment ... we seem to be forever in the news for all the wrong reasons.

The whole Bob Woolmer incident is a clear example ... nothing is ever simple when Pakistan is involved. I hope for his own sake it was a simple heart attack rather than the numerous rumours now circulating around the world such as the match-rigging mafia hit or suicide theories. The whole Pakistani cricket team have had to had their finger prints taken just in case.

Other great Pakistan links in the news today ... three "7/7 linked terrorists" arrested before boarding a plane to ... go on ... take a guess ... could be anywhere right ... nope ... to Pakistan! You'd have thought that if they really were true terrorists that they might have tried to hidden the fact ... taking a direct flight to Pakistan nowadays is just asking for trouble!

Bob Woolmer RIP

Goliath just rang me ... asked me whether I had heard about Bob Woolmer ... Of course I have I respond, the Pakistani cricket coach ... what has he resigned coz we lost to the Irish? Pointless his contract ends in June anyway.

"No mate, he's dead!" ... After I realised he wasn't kidding ... I thought traumatic loss, elderly coach ... must have been a heart attack. But Goliath tells me he was apparently found in his hotel room lying in a pool of blood and vomit.

"They killed him mate!" ... The conspiracy theories begin ...