INVOICE to Mark Shields

Advice and assistance in solving the non-murder of Bob Woolmer
from 18 March 07 to 2 June 07
£266,000

Please note that this payment is due whether or not you actually took heed of the advice given.


PS. An extra bit of advice for free ... say sorry to the Pakistani team or at least thank them for being co-operative in your investigation otherwise as I mentioned before they are likely to sue your balls off!

PPS. Don't just blame the pathologist ... might I remind you that when asked to comment you said you were confident that Woolmer was murdered, citing evidence from the crime scene not yet disclosed to the public which supported the initial findings.

"There is very clear evidence of murder," you told reporters. Elephants and the press never forget.

Conversations with Mark Shields

"Ok .. you asked me to come out here .. what's the deal?"
"I've got a problem Xzsara ... this Woolmer thing has me seriously confused"
"Yeah well I can see that ... Have you read my posts on my blog"
"I have and I think you're right ... but look I've been told he was strangled"
"Dude, no struggle, no bruising, no-one going into the room, no motive ... Won't wash ..."
"How about match fixing??"
"What proof have you got of that ... the fact that the Pakistani team played shite ... that's nothing new ..."
"Ok, ok ... how about one of the players."
"Yeah, right in a fit of rage because they lost ... give us a break ... you've finger printed them all and nothing came up"
"What about the weedkiller??"
"What a trace amount that you've managed to find on everyone that was out on the field that day ... no, don't think so ... what else you got?"
"Al-Qaeda!!"
"Dude, are you crazy ... you been smoking with Dubbya again ... I told you that shit messes with your mind! What evidence have you got?"

Long pause ...

"Well .. come on Shieldsie ... what you got?"

Even longer pause ....

"Nothing ... think he had a heart attack"
"Man ... I told you this on March 25th!! What's taken you so long ... ok .. so you would of looked stupid ... but now you look even more stupid three months later!!"
"What do I do??"
"Just leak it to the press and by the time you actually announce it, no-one will be able to act surprised ... ok ... and next time don't get all excited and go running off with your conspiracy theories ... you been watching too much CSI mate!"
"Oh .. Xzsara .. one more question ..."
"Yeah what ..."
"You're a Pakistani .. can you speak to the team, let them know ... you know .. no hard feelings"
"No hard feelings?!? ... Dude, what planet are you on .. they're already talking to their solicitors, they are gonna sue your balls off!"

Am I the only sane one?

Several annoying things that I have read today and have to comment on:

One. Please stop whining ... Yeah, so you were blindfolded wherever you went and separated from your mates ... this wasn't holiday camp, this is a war .. of course they blindfolded you ... of course they separated you, interrogated you and used mind games ... see it all the time on law and order don't you ... what did you expect!! You're soldiers!! You would have done the same or worse if it was the other way round!

Consider yourselves lucky you weren't captured by the more civilised Americans ... you would have been shackled, kept in cages, subjected to sensory deprivation, deprived of sleep and god only knows what else ... the truth only coming out years later when someone gets hold of a soldier's mobile phone.

To be fair to the UK soldiers .. I don't think they were whining so much as the media was trying to persuade us that their portrayal of Iran is still accurate. I was amused to hear that Sky had actually suppressed footage that they had confirming that part of the soldiers mission was to obtain intelligence information on Iran, for fear that it may have repercussions on the men whilst in Iran ... so there was some truth to Iran's complaints then??


Two. Suicide cricketers - apparently PJ Mir is concerned that religious extremism played a part in the Pakistani cricket team loss ... "It was beyond the limit, this religious influence, and the players were even made to offer prayers during the flights" he is quoted as saying. Well some will say .. perhaps they should have prayed a bit harder, they might have won! After the reported murder of Bob Woolmer I bet several of them were praying hard on the flight back just in case they were next on the list!


Three. Whilst the UK grieves for the soldiers killed in Iraq and the teenagers killing each other in London and the life and death matter of whose parking space it is .. here are some news items which didn't make the UK front pages:

Somalia - more than 1,000 people were reportedly killed or injured in four days of fighting recently.

Pakistan - about 40 people have been killed and more than 70 injured in violent clashes between Sunni and Shia Muslims in northern Pakistan.

Sri Lanka - seven people have been killed and 26 injured after a roadside mine hit a civilian bus.

Palestine - Israeli forces have killed a Palestinian fighter and wounded two in what is believed to be the fiercest exchange of fire between Israeli forces and Palestinian fighters since a ceasefire agreed in November. Helicopters, reportedly, fired at least two missiles at Palestinians near the Jabalya refugee camp.

Just another normal day for the rest of the world.

I can see clearly now ...

Cream keeps telling the guys at work about my twisted theories. Bob Woolmer being the latest and prior to that Nisha Patel-Nasri (I insisted that the hubby may not have been completely innocent) ... and they seem to keep coming true so they now ask him what Mystic Meg has predicted this week.

Anyhow it seems I am not the only one thinking Bob Woolmer may not have been murdered. Reports are that now a second autopsy is to be held to "re-confirm" the initial finding. Nonetheless Shields apparently tells reporters that "There is very clear evidence of murder."

Right ... so clear that it took you and your officers how long to announce that it was murder and why the need now for a second autopsy? Perhaps I should offer my services to Mr Shields or send him my crystal ball!

Elementary my dear Woolmer?

Am I the only one who has now come back full circle on the Bob Woolmer tragedy. Given everything I am now of the belief that this whole incident is just one of those freak accidents that can look like murder ... Could it be possible that he fell ill, vomited in the bathroom, fell and hit his neck on a toilet or the sink and ended up knocking himself unconscious and unable to breathe.

Does this sound unlikely?? Is it more believable that someone, perhaps someone he knew, killed him because of a row over losing a cricket match, or a match-fixing mafia consortium put a hit out on him, that this person or persons came into the secure hotel, walked past the reception, all under CCTV, got into the lift with or without a swipe card, got off on the 12th floor, came into his room, through the door or balcony without leaving any trace, subdued a rather large man, without any signs of struggle, and than strangled him to death leaving him in a pool of vomit and a gash on his face? This person or persons then took the time to fake two emails one at 3am to his wife and the other at 6am resigning as coach before leaving the hotel probably in the same manner in which they arrived.

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

A Goliath Apology

Sorry to have doubted you man ... You were right ... someone did murder Bob Woolmer. My next question to you of course is "where were you on the night in question?"

But seriously what an awful way to go. The reports of manual strangulation are strange ... they say there were no outwardly signs ... I've watched CSI and wonder whether Jerry Bruckheimer is lying about the whole bruises on the neck, measuring hand sizes, epitherals etc. Are they sure about the strangulation thing ... no signs of struggle, big man, goes down without a fight??

And how exactly does taking the Pakistani cricket teams fingerprints eliminate them ... does this mean they have found suspicious fingerprints somewhere in the room?

The only other thing that doesn't add up is the vomit??? Did he vomit after being strangled. I ain't never heard of that before! Which means he must have vomited before the attack ... Which leads to more questions ...

I hope this is resolved quickly but poor Woolmer and his family will never get rid of the ghost of his manner of departure. I'd like to remember him in happier times ...

Bob Woolmer RIP

Goliath just rang me ... asked me whether I had heard about Bob Woolmer ... Of course I have I respond, the Pakistani cricket coach ... what has he resigned coz we lost to the Irish? Pointless his contract ends in June anyway.

"No mate, he's dead!" ... After I realised he wasn't kidding ... I thought traumatic loss, elderly coach ... must have been a heart attack. But Goliath tells me he was apparently found in his hotel room lying in a pool of blood and vomit.

"They killed him mate!" ... The conspiracy theories begin ...

No such thing as a free lunch

Just after I was so pleased with my map of the world and preparing for world domination, I get an email from NeoWorx reminding me that this was just a free 14 day trial of their premium version and I will lose some features tomorrow. I thought I had registered for the free one!!

The main feature I lose is the ability to see past visitors on the map! Clever little bunnies at NeoWorx ... only way to keep their little yellow dots on the map will be to cough up hard cash. Sounds a bit too much like blackmail to me!

So having searched the net for a similar product have found a free version of the same thing. As long as I don't go over 25,000 visitors a day, it remains free. Well I'd be lucky to get more than 5 visitors a day I think, so I should be safe in this parallel universe.

The Usual Suspects

Visa and Vertigo are concerned that I may have inadvertedly blown their cover by fully declaring my sources and posting actual emails. They are concerned that some crazed lunatic will be able to identify them, track them down and ... well I'm not sure what they think the luny is going to do to them but that's not the point. They are in danger! I suspect that they have been reading too many conspiracy articles as have I but nonetheless I respect their views on this one.

I mean it's pretty serious when your own sis has to go into the witness protection scheme. This does mean that she will be given a new identity, moved and will no longer be allowed to directly or indirectly contact me or any of her family and friends. I learnt this from watching CSI-Miami ... hmm ... well I can't complain too much on that front.

Of course the only down side to the whole thing is with her now incommunicado I won't be able to give her the lovely birthday present I bought her! Shame that.

Conspiracy theories

Perhaps I have been spending too much time on the net recently but it seems that each blog I read leads me further into the world of conspiracy theorists. So I thought I would mention a couple that have caused me to raise an eyebrow recently ...

1. The twin towers and WTC7 were demolished professionally. Nothing new here .. I've heard this one before.
2. Apparently on both 9/11 and 7/7 a drill was being carried out reflecting the exact same situation that actually arose. What a strange coincidence?
3. The BBC reported that WTC7 collapsed a full 23 minutes before it actually did.

Now point 3 is interesting, even more so now that I have read an official response to the claims. When I first heard this and watched the video I must admit I simply thought, ok ... it's a horrendous day, people are panicking, rumours are spreading like wildfire, statements can get twisted and quoted out of context. The simplest explanation was that the twin towers had already collapsed and word on the street was that WTC7 was also on fire as per the other two and so there was a fair chance that it too would collapse. I assumed that this message got twisted and by the time it got to the BBC reporter, it had escalated into a story that it had indeed collapsed. Easy explanation.

But the explanation given by the BBC seems to have has just fueled speculation that they are involved in some way or that someone with knowledge that it was set to implode pre-warned them especially with comments such as "We no longer have the original tapes of our 9/11 coverage" ... come on ... just like the Americans who declared that there was no onboard recording of the blue on blue incident, for it to mysteriously be leaked to the public recently?

The whole world seems to have seen the video on youtube and yet the BBC haven't kept a copy of their broadcast from the day which changed the world!! Doh!!

Gur Qn Ivapv Pbqr Jro Dhrfg

It would seem that I am not the only one incurring the wrath of religious leaders .. Dan Brown is doing a mighty fine job too. I read his book Angels and Demons some years ago and more recently his much better publicised The da Vinci Code. I would highly recommend his books to anyone who likes reading about conspiracy theories. If you have already read them .. did you notice the secret codes in his books ... No? Look again ... and check out the following sites.

http://www.randomhouse.com/doubleday/davinci/index-ctc.html
http://www.randomhouse.com/doubleday/davinci

If you get to the telephone numbers .. don't ring them .. unless you want to pay for an international call!! Drop me a line and I'll give you the next clue. Beware its designed for an American audience, with the American book cover but it shouldn't take you long ... not even you Goliath!